Chronically Awkward

Thank you for getting your Tomb Raider skills on point climbing up to my balcony and letting yourself in & not making a mess - so considerate.

Seeing as you took it upon yourself to steal my beloved huffy of a laptop I feel like I should tell you a bit about her. Me and my homegirl have been through a lot together. She was the first laptop I ever bought with my own money when I was 19. And being a Dell she was well into the mature stages of her life when you decided to snatch her up!

If my laptop were a person she would be that 50 something divorcee character in a movie/tv show with no clue trying to get back in the dating game - looks old fashioned, slow on the up take but still good fun with a heart of gold once you get to know them.

À la Blanche Devereaux

Or she would be that kid with a head brace, glasses & asthma, prone to multiple allergies but still DFW when the time came to go hard.

I remember fondly every blue screen when she would crash without warning, every time my DVDs would fail to play, movies and shows would play half-way then buffer for the rest of the night or just fail to load. I also remember how I was still able to play all my games and faithfully watch Netflix with minor - yet still frequent - interruptions.

Also, thank you for teaching me valuable lessons. I would have loved it if my PSHE lessons in school were spent focusing on how insurance works, whether you live with people or not, rather than how to "run a household" (covering the chores & skills I had been taught by my parents by age 13):

Lesson 1 - don't ever assume your landlord has your back. However nice they are - don't mess with that money honey, it's every owner for themselves.

Lesson 2 - Always insure your own. (Lone in the wind tumbleweed) You will get left with nothing while those you live with will claim their things back shortly. 

How you look when you hear the story and you find out they didn't have insurance....

Lesson  3 - A torch - not a bat/knife/hockey stick as I was trained - is your physical insurance aka self defence weapon. (Thank you CSI man for that valuable lesson)

Lesson  4 - Don't expect the police to be able to help you...in winter. Expect them to be late, to tell you all the ways anyone can break in whatever you do or don't do, that it's a shame, and to call them if another crime occurs before moving on.

Steve = how me and my housemates felt when the officer left.


Lesson 5 - It's cold. Thieves wear gloves. No prints people. So other than taking notes and sending you a courteous but pointless letter, there's nothing else eventful in the process.


While I'm so very annoyed that all that antivirus protection that kept her alive & pulled back from the brink of death is now wasted on you, it's better this way. And since you were bright enough to leave the charger behind I hope the most you get for her is a bag of crisps or you end up using it as a door stop this Christmas. I've been assured you are an opportunist, agile, but not very bright so hopefully she won't get you too far in life.

I am not a great candidate to be robbed, we both lost out in this case burglar-man, you just took a shoddy but sentimental machine off my hands. I'm just sad about my iTunes & photos to be honest. I curated those bad boys for years.

Guess I can finally start that MacBook fund. So thanks for that.

Yours,

A nolaptop having-still smiling-still winning-soon to be new laptop owner pending Christmas 2017. With her own home insurance & big fat torch waiting to shine a light on you should you try to hit me up in Old Trafford again.