Tuesday 9 October 2018

Redwall Part II: The Phantom Menace...

The only reason I’m writing what’s basically an epilogue to my last blog post is because of my housemates. Not because they think it’s an important continuation of the story, but because they still think it’s funny. To this day. This is the night where they realised a) I was so stressed by this furry little demon that I had been going out of my mind, and b) now I was completely out of my mind.

One day after the DEFCON 1 sighting in the kitchen/living room (aka my new bedroom) I had basically given up getting my wonderful, habitually non-negotiable 8 hours sleep. ⅔ hours on a good day was all I could hope for, between creaking floorboards, noisy pipes, what I discovered was actually the fridge fan rousing itself to life every so often...

Not gonna lie, the first few times I woke up hearing it, i may have alternated between creeping towards the fridge area broom in hand. Or stomping into the kitchen and breaking into song at the top of my lungs…. Don't judge me.

My old housemate assured me when we had mice in the garage (which I discovered when one ran across my foot, and another old housemate confirmed when one fell on her as she moved her boxes - see a pattern here?), that they hate noise. I’ve always lived with singers, so she would always walk down to the garage to do her laundry, banging on the walls like SWAT and singing songs from church in full voice.

In any case - I was definitely at my wits end. At this point only I had been there to physically see the mouse, they all just had to take my - and pest control’s- word for it. Since PC found mouse droppings behind the baseboards in the kitchen I knew it was freely roaming about every nook and cranny of the house. Stupid hollow walls.


My housemates stayed up having dinner in the living room so I wouldn’t have to fall asleep alone. I was so exhausted this took no time at all. But I woke up at the slightest thing, such as scratching across the kitchen floor. Shooting up out of bed (well, sofa) I saw a little black mass moving across the floor in the dark and orange light of the streetlamp through the open kitchen window. Again, I wish I could tell you I handled it well. I really do. I wish I could tell you I wasn’t stood up in the corner of the sofa screaming bloody murder as if Jason was stalking towards me with a chainsaw. I wish I could say I didn’t shout at my housemates both up and downstairs to come and save me. One came rushing down with marigolds on and a plastic basin, one rushing up from minding her business on the toilet, bracing themselves on the other side of the door. Only to burst in, turn on the light, and find a big hunk of red onion skin being blown across the floor.

You know that look your parents give you when they’ve just had enough. The look you get when you’re so sure of something, and then it turns out it couldn’t be farther from the truth. Combined with that sad look that you really must be low-key crazy. I’m basically the kid in horror movies desperately trying to convince the adult that the monster that keeps popping up all over the gaff is real, before its too late. Only in this case it isn’t a monster, and too late never happens, but that tired sad look definitely comes all the way through.

That day I lost my patience, my mind and allll credibility in future mouse related discussions. And they still think it’s funny. So I will continue to sleep with my room door open now I’m back in it. If I got any furry little visitors, well then we’re all gonna have some.



A/N:  As brave as I like to talk, my fear and paranoia is still all too real, even at the mention of another rodent invasion. 

Case and point, another gem from one of my housemates this week: 

After we checked my room *AGAIN*  (there was an unpleasant smell coming from our floor and we were hoping a dead mouse would turn out to be  the cause #closure). One of the girls is deathly afraid of mice, as am I at this point, and was searching pictures of mice while sitting on by bed to distract herself - I made them come to my room, as always, for moral support - let’s face it I don’t do well when I’m on my own. When I described it, and how the thing had gone all over my room destroyed the carped and stuffing carpet fluff inside the mouse traps we used, she casually said only rats are usually that smart. “That sounds like a rat”.

A RAT. A RAT MY G - I don't even know what other formats I can use - she said 
A. WHOLE. RAT

My other housemate calmly agreed, and added oh so matter-of-factly that she also thought it had been a rat but didn’t say so at the time. She deliberately didn’t say so at the time, even though the behaviour was obviously not that of a mouse, but she knew I wouldn’t have been able handle it. I think we can all agree she was right. Even when she said that my chest got weak. And based on the pictures we pulled up on google, it was probably a rat. So. It turns out, the ghost of the mouse that terrorised my room was way more comforting than knowing a rat basically pillaged everywhere my skin has touched and  everything I own.


That’s it, take me now Lord.


Sunday 30 September 2018

Redwall: A Tale of the Uninvited Duppy Mouse

While everyone else's Summer2K18 was filled with maximum enjoyment, mine was relatively uneventful apart from one hostile rodent takeover. To date, I'm the only one that has seen the mouse in question, and still hears it from time to time. In memory of my month of torment, and seeing as I'm convinced I heard it in my room again last night, here's how this June's Redwall Invasion went down.



The Uninvited Duppy Mouse:

It’s been two weeks since I’ve slept in my own bed, or even set foot in my room - which has now become base camp. Currently my household is living in a state of DEFCON 4. What was just my problem, and arguably a figment of my imagination, is now every body's problem.


Defcon 5
The first sighting. Around 6:45am, while I was ignoring my alarm and preparing to be late for work, I heard rustling etc that was way too loud to be coming from outside my window. Please note I was in stage 2 of cleaning my room - this is important (to me). So I was at the point where you have that last pile of clothes/crap in the corner you’re too tired to sort through. My guy was climbing in and through my CC pile, when he sensed a disturbance in the force, turned and just stayed looking at me.


Now, when you’re semi-conscious and haven’t quite let go of sleep yet, and you see what you never realised until that moment is in fact one of your worst nightmares - in what may or may not be reality - it’s a lot to take in. There was a 5 second delay between me seeing it, and realising the mouse was not in fact a hallucination. I wish I could tell you I handled it well. I really do. But, I didn’t.
Visual representation of rational though & my instincts during the mouse sighting.

Defcon 4
After waking up my housemate screaming, and failing to find and catch the mouse, we searched my room that evening and found nothing. We even called in a boyfriend as backup. Everyone reassured me that the mouse had surely disappeared by now. I got all brave and decided I wasn’t gonna be run out of my room by some brave little (actually, rather large now that I think about it) rodent. I checked every corner of my room - by this point we, with the loving support of our hired muscle (the boyfriend), had already discovered this little cretin had dug holes in all said corners. It was nowhere to be found. So I decided to try to go to sleep. It was my room. I pay rent. I belong there, and it was gone for now anyway.

Obviously, that wasn't the case. I fell asleep for all of 3 minutes before this thing started digging its way around the headboard of my bed coming out of the hole. I shot out of that room and into my housemate’s bed like my name was Bolt.

Defcon 3
Sighting number 2. Now, 3 days since I’d gone in my room, I remembered that all the clothes and underwear that I love and need are still in my room and still at risk. So, having run out of clean clothes I decided to get brave (mistake) and go in my room alone to rescue some undies. By this point my dresser was trashed...I was still struggling to accept the fact that this little beast had climbed from the floor all the way up there somehow. Standing on my bed I started fishing clothes out of my top drawer, and obviously my guy had decided to bed down in there. I wish I could say that this time around I went sick and destroyed my dresser trying to kill it. That I at least made some effort. But I just couldn’t take the shock that early in the morning. I wasn’t ready.



Defcon 2
At this point my room was a no-go zone, door barricaded and everything to keep that scratchy furry demon inside. But I was still, with the aid of my housemates, trying to take back my room. They’d gone in and laid traps, armed with my hockey stick, the boyfriend and daylight so everything was in plain view. We were hoping it would be dead the same day. Needless to say the traps were empty, the poison untouched and my carpet was being shredded daily. We decided to check on the stuff in my wardrobe - that's where I shoved my beloved CC pile for safe keeping. It’s also where I stashed a box of chocolates. You can see where I’m going with this I’m sure. The mouse had somehow gotten into my wardrobe, dug through all my stuff, chewed on shoes and cracked open that box of chocolates and went to town.



At this point we called in pest control and the landlord. The latter, acknowledged my trashed room looking like Swiss cheese with all the carpet holes and said no point filling them let pest control nuke the place. Pest control came, accompanied with poison and traps, left those same holes open, found out it had been in the kitchen, left traps there and said deuces, see you in 2 weeks. No nukes, no nothing.





Defcon 1
This weekend in my exhaustion I just zoned out on the sofa waiting for my housemates to come home from their busy social lives. Since this thing is now mocking my life by never appearing before witnesses, it decides to burrow out of my room under my door and stroll across the living room and behind the TV. Again, this didn’t go well.

I ended up barricaded out of the living room with all my belongings (I had been sleeping there), no charger for my phone or laptop, and ran them till my batteries died and somebody came home.
So now, I live in a state of permanent high alert. Every time I’m in a room alone I’m on edge, just listening.


Anything and everything has become a threat. Every creak, every pipe noise, fridge fan, curtain blowing in the wind, even my own shadow. This thing only shows up when I’m alone. It’s literally trolling me.


Deep down I know the day is coming where I'll have to face it alone. I wish I could tell you I’d had enough and I’m ready to go terminator and rage through the house. I really do. But let’s be honest, every time I hear a scratch I fall out. I, am not the one.






Thursday 24 May 2018

Customer Service Conversations - When Someone Else's Problem Is Now Your Fault

Customer: I NEED YOU TO HELP ME RIGHT NOW! I’m almost crying I’m so frustrated.

Me:

[Insert story of me explaining how I definitely can't help because they never did business with us, it's not now, never has been and never will be, our fault - and her having none of it]

Me: I understand, but [insert my employer] can't get involved here. If [insert the company who's actual fault it is] won’t give you a refund it’s your legal right to prosecute *them*-

Cux: I know my legal rights TYVM. I don’t need a lesson from you! I need you to fix it!

Me, knowing I can't, won't and don't have to:


Wednesday 2 May 2018

Snapshots From: Starting A New Job

That day one arrival when you finally get hired so you can come out of your house in the brand new work clothes that you bought but can’t afford yet (but you don’t care).

Sailing through training with flying colours because you have a beautiful voice, lovely telephone manner, and calm disposition. At work.

That first paycheck purchase of something that wasn’t second hand, on sale or from Primark.

That glorious moment when the trainer lets everyone leave work at 4pm instead of 5 because he's so chill and work is apparently not that serious. Little do you know that after training it is that serious and this will never happen again.

First week out of training speaking to actual real people, doing the job you were hired for and realising the training equipped you for absolutely nothing and you can’t leave.

Trying to convince friends and loved ones that handing in your notice after 2 weeks/months because you hate/are terrible at this job is a totally viable option to pursue as a certified adult.


When you realise, sadly, that this in face *isn't* the job, field, profession or career path for you.

And finally, when you learn to stop letting the job you don't really like break you down because you have bills to pay and a life to live (give or take a few anxiety attacks in the bathroom or en route to work for the first two months).

Since I’ve shared what I went through being unemployed, I figured I’d also share with you some of what I experienced during my “bounceback” - when I eventually got a new job. Just for background - In 2017 I was working, passed an interview in February, got fired in March, and was unable to start my new job till September. By that point whatever job I got I would have been happy, let alone the one I’d been waiting on for so long.

Let me just say, the things you feel, and the people you meet in stepping stone jobs can be so unbelievable, you start looking back at unemployment like...was it really even that bad?

And of course, asking yourself - do I really need this job right now?


Monday 30 April 2018

#SideNote 5SU - Exceptions

Much like the stages of grief, my 5SU are not restricted to a chronological order. You can go back, back, forth & forth all over the place, and flat out skip some steps altogether.

Case & Point: when I graduated and was unemployed for a bit I began at Stage 1. But now when I was fired from the terrible waitressing job I got a few months later - which I imagine is like being dumped by your trash, unambitious, inattentive boyfriend [that you don't even like anymore but you're just "with" him at this point], before you can tell him you’re too good for him and deserve better - I went straight to Stage 4. And then back to 2 and 3.

You can also have wake up call moments - that are not considered a jump to Stage 5 - and still not come out of the process in some cases.
Let me tell you. The day one of my housemates left me in the early morning on my sofa in my dressing gown and PJs , laptop out, coffee by my side, ready to search for hope and new jobs with fluffy enthusiasm….only to come back that afternoon to see me fast asleep, face planted and drooling, on that same sofa with my laptop on the floor - I realised I was waaaay too deep in Stage 2 living.
Even though at that moment I thought: Wow, this must mean I’m officially a bum* , I still continued to Stage 3 to try and resolve this..and landed at Stage 4 and 5 as normal.

In any case, just know that the pity part is on timer. At some point you pick yourself up and carry on because, you in fact do deserve better.

So find some post Stage 4 attitude and get back at it! It’s gonna be just fine.

*Bum1
[buhm]
a person who has no permanent home or job and who gets money by workingoccasionally or by asking people for money.


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