See, This Is Why I Don’t Watch Football

I am an unashamed fake football fan. I know enough to know that I support Arsenal – meaning one male family member got to me when I was young enough to be un-allied and convinced me to support his favourite team. And I know Theo Walcott, Osel and Thierry Henri because they are relatively attractive, and one of them is an official legend.

HOWEVER. I am not here for the World Cup. Not now, not ever. Why? Because no one likes seeing grown men strewn about, crying when their dream dies. Not when Portugal lost to Greece – Exhibit A, my Portuguese bae, Ronaldo:

Even in tears.....

Cristiano is a spice. No lie.

Not when Germany destroyed Brazil and Argentina – Exhibit B and C, my Latino baes:

my poor Sergio Agüero

Ángel di María.....babes.......

Sugar and Spice, Marcello and Neymar.

No good can come of Neymar being like this. None.

My numero 1, David Luis :(

And never, ever, ever, when Suarez is allowed to play, at any time, until his teeth are removed:

I mean....

Fam. Somebody come look at this.

Now, look closer:

World's most dangerous overbite.

Look. Even. Closer:

Somebody tell me, where did this man's dentist go to school? 

Please. Take him off the pitch and cast him in the next Mean Girls where that behaviour belongs. I bet Weiners could take him out.

Plus, the final is just rude. After sweating through like a 2 hour match, Argentina had to jam there and bawl while Germany was raving it up right next to them, for like 20 minutes. If not more. Observe:

No one watches someone else having a party. Not unless you lose a World Cup game.

I can imagine, Sergio is probably saying "Get off me man!" drowning in his tears. Nothing worse than the person who stole your dream having to comfort you about it. He literally can't stand the devastation.

And then, after losing your dream (no one cares about being the second best team in the World), you have to go get some compensatory medals and handshakes, and chill while the winners get trophies and photos.

After finally having a World Cup tournament in Latin America, the last Latino team standing couldn’t win it. Costa Rica and Brazil I’m sure, were probably thinking

“Well at least if they win, we as Latinos win”

But no. And I’m not the only one who was annoyed when Germany won. Look at Wyclef:

Rihanna is a straight traitor. Nothing wrong with liking winners, but be real, you were here for Brazil then you went turn coat so you could hold that trophy fam:

That being said, fair is fair and winning is winning. So, congratulations to Germany, and a special thanks to the cutest player in Deutchland, goalie bae:

Manuel Neurer. S.P.I.C.Y.

And of course, the man of the match, my new goal scorer bae:

Mario Götze

Having said all that, I’ll still watch football, and look at match photos. So, I present to you, reasons to watch football:

Sergio Ramos

Marcello

Luiz

Edson Buddle

Ronaldo

David Trezeguet

Gerard Pique

Neurer

Messi

Neymar Jr

Sergio

Henri

You're Welcome.