Chronically Awkward

[Insert story of me explaining how I definitely can't help because they never did business with us, it's not now, never has been and never will be, our fault - and her having none of it]

Sailing through training with flying colours because you have a beautiful voice, lovely telephone manner, and calm disposition. At work.

That first paycheck purchase of something that wasn’t second hand, on sale or from Primark.

That glorious moment when the trainer lets everyone leave work at 4pm instead of 5 because he's so chill and work is apparently not that serious. Little do you know that after training it is that serious and this will never happen again.

First week out of training speaking to actual real people, doing the job you were hired for and realising the training equipped you for absolutely nothing and you can’t leave.

Trying to convince friends and loved ones that handing in your notice after 2 weeks/months because you hate/are terrible at this job is a totally viable option to pursue as a certified adult.


When you realise, sadly, that this in face *isn't* the job, field, profession or career path for you.

And finally, when you learn to stop letting the job you don't really like break you down because you have bills to pay and a life to live (give or take a few anxiety attacks in the bathroom or en route to work for the first two months).

Much like the stages of grief, my 5SU are not restricted to a chronological order. You can go back, back, forth & forth all over the place, and flat out skip some steps altogether.

Case & Point: when I graduated and was unemployed for a bit I began at Stage 1. But now when I was fired from the terrible waitressing job I got a few months later - which I imagine is like being dumped by your trash, unambitious, inattentive boyfriend [that you don't even like anymore but you're just "with" him at this point], before you can tell him you’re too good for him and deserve better - I went straight to Stage 4. And then back to 2 and 3.

You can also have wake up call moments - that are not considered a jump to Stage 5 - and still not come out of the process in some cases.
Let me tell you. The day one of my housemates left me in the early morning on my sofa in my dressing gown and PJs , laptop out, coffee by my side, ready to search for hope and new jobs with fluffy enthusiasm….only to come back that afternoon to see me fast asleep, face planted and drooling, on that same sofa with my laptop on the floor - I realised I was waaaay too deep in Stage 2 living.
Even though at that moment I thought: Wow, this must mean I’m officially a bum* , I still continued to Stage 3 to try and resolve this..and landed at Stage 4 and 5 as normal.

In any case, just know that the pity part is on timer. At some point you pick yourself up and carry on because, you in fact do deserve better.

So find some post Stage 4 attitude and get back at it! It’s gonna be just fine.

*Bum1
[buhm]
a person who has no permanent home or job and who gets money by workingoccasionally or by asking people for money.

Stage 1 - The Emancipation

Fairly self explanatory, but basically you are happy about any of the below coming (back) into your life:

And you take it upon yourself to celebrate your new found freedom accordingly. No curfew/end date given. You life this out with time limit TBC.

Stage 2 - Embracing the NapLife aka the Vicious Sleep Cycle

With the return of free time and independence (and possibly hindered by lack of identity) you will very easily fall into the habit of sleeping when you want, for however long you want. Staying up until 5am because - you ain’t got work in the morning. So you can sleepover, stay out late, wake up at 10 and stay home for the gas/electric/repair/deliver man (this may or may not have been my role as the ambitionless housemate) while everyone else is out living real life.

Thank you for getting your Tomb Raider skills on point climbing up to my balcony and letting yourself in & not making a mess - so considerate.

Seeing as you took it upon yourself to steal my beloved huffy of a laptop I feel like I should tell you a bit about her. Me and my homegirl have been through a lot together. She was the first laptop I ever bought with my own money when I was 19. And being a Dell she was well into the mature stages of her life when you decided to snatch her up!

If my laptop were a person she would be that 50 something divorcee character in a movie/tv show with no clue trying to get back in the dating game - looks old fashioned, slow on the up take but still good fun with a heart of gold once you get to know them.

À la Blanche Devereaux

Or she would be that kid with a head brace, glasses & asthma, prone to multiple allergies but still DFW when the time came to go hard.

I remember fondly every blue screen when she would crash without warning, every time my DVDs would fail to play, movies and shows would play half-way then buffer for the rest of the night or just fail to load. I also remember how I was still able to play all my games and faithfully watch Netflix with minor - yet still frequent - interruptions.

Also, thank you for teaching me valuable lessons. I would have loved it if my PSHE lessons in school were spent focusing on how insurance works, whether you live with people or not, rather than how to "run a household" (covering the chores & skills I had been taught by my parents by age 13):

Lesson 1 - don't ever assume your landlord has your back. However nice they are - don't mess with that money honey, it's every owner for themselves.

Lesson 2 - Always insure your own. (Lone in the wind tumbleweed) You will get left with nothing while those you live with will claim their things back shortly. 

How you look when you hear the story and you find out they didn't have insurance....

Lesson  3 - A torch - not a bat/knife/hockey stick as I was trained - is your physical insurance aka self defence weapon. (Thank you CSI man for that valuable lesson)

Lesson  4 - Don't expect the police to be able to help you...in winter. Expect them to be late, to tell you all the ways anyone can break in whatever you do or don't do, that it's a shame, and to call them if another crime occurs before moving on.

Steve = how me and my housemates felt when the officer left.


Lesson 5 - It's cold. Thieves wear gloves. No prints people. So other than taking notes and sending you a courteous but pointless letter, there's nothing else eventful in the process.


While I'm so very annoyed that all that antivirus protection that kept her alive & pulled back from the brink of death is now wasted on you, it's better this way. And since you were bright enough to leave the charger behind I hope the most you get for her is a bag of crisps or you end up using it as a door stop this Christmas. I've been assured you are an opportunist, agile, but not very bright so hopefully she won't get you too far in life.

I am not a great candidate to be robbed, we both lost out in this case burglar-man, you just took a shoddy but sentimental machine off my hands. I'm just sad about my iTunes & photos to be honest. I curated those bad boys for years.

Guess I can finally start that MacBook fund. So thanks for that.

Yours,

A nolaptop having-still smiling-still winning-soon to be new laptop owner pending Christmas 2017. With her own home insurance & big fat torch waiting to shine a light on you should you try to hit me up in Old Trafford again.