Chronically Awkward

Today and yesterday have been extremely fruitful. Being the FLA is finally starting to work! No more private pity parties. Yesterday - lift home from the English teacher. Today - ride home from school secretary. Every day so far this week and last (barring late start Tuesdays) ride to school with host mum.


For those of you who don't understand why this is such a big deal. Last week was the beginning of the -20's, this week, -30's. Still don't get it. Refer to my post on wearing crap gloves in -22......

I had an excellent moment in the school office after school with 3 members of staff fawning over me because it is now common knowledge I walk to school in the cold and snow (why they couldn't have discovered this in November is unfortunate lol). Not gonna lie, these women, (and all Quebecois people who get together) have reaaaaally strong accents, so I followed about 60% of what was said. And about 10% when they spoke all at once. But the general consensus involved discussing my winter gear, clarifying that yes I walk, yes it's cold and that is sad and unfortunate for me. Another addition was that at least all that walk is good for my health -obvs the P.E. teacher. But it ended up with me given a free pass to get lifts home after school to ease my pain and frosty strife loool.

Their excuse - they're all mothers, so they worry about me [insert awwws here]. My response - well seeing as I don't have my mum with me atm I could definitely use a few.




Also, I decided to just go all out and bake. I braved an AllRecipes.com red velvet cupcake recipe, and true to the one critical review I red, them suckers were dry. BUT. Seeing as I love to start following a recipe, then ignore it completely, I took them out of the oven early then smothered them in cream cheese frosting.

LORD HAVE HIS ABUNDANT AND GLORIOUS MERCY.

Me and dairy aren't even close like that. You will never see me rolling with a cheese toastie/cheese pizza/lone cheese and any carbs.... or fruit (let me not make myself even more ill) - and no offence to those of you who can just back cheese like straight shots of vodka.....good for you lot - you just wont.

Can we have a moment of silent applause for cream cheese frostingggggggggggg-ah!

Anyway, I sprinkled some Christmas colour themed glitter on them, took them to school and left them in the staffroom before lunch with an anonymous secret 'mange-nous' [eat us] sign. Them teachers hovered over those cakes like vultures, then swarmed like discreet little buzzards caving and taking one.

Tbh this is how they looked at the cakes and how I looked at them for taking one when they couldn't see me lol.

They should be food tasters in my opinion. They gave nothing away, just calmly ate them, and when someone asked they were like - oh yea they're nice. As you can imagine, I maintained my anonymity and kept my calm, reading my little magazine......

My face as they discussed the tastiness of my 'mystery cupcakes' #MakingFriends #ByAnyMeansNecessary

Came back to the staffroom at the end of the day. Cakes GARN [my attempt at putting my Caribbean accent into written form]. So, if nothing else was said, they were all consumed without complaint, and none were chucked in the bin. SUCCESS!!!

The only downside to this decision. Or any move to bake (I also made Christmas tree cookies that need to be decorated before they are offered as tribute on Thursday) by me - and hopefully others - is the burden of taste testing is a slippery slope. Note to self. Do not use spare red velvet cupcake batter to make a rather flat but still substantial red velvet loaf, then smother it in left over cream cheese...and expect it to go well for me.

So. This has been happening a lot.  -_-

Another exciting addition to my couch potato life (much like the cold war, my war against the winter chubb has taken a turn for the worse...but joy comes in the morning! So in the morning of the new year, the fight will be back on!) has been catching up - as in from season 1 to current - on Made in Chelsea.

I'll give some of you a minute.

Is it that good? YES! Why? Because I cannot believe people live as ridiculously extravagantly as this with no idea of real life or real jobs and how normal people live....that all these 1 and 2 name/syllable pretentious places exist in one area of London.....that different people can commit the same offences against each other but yet be approached with such different (read biased) perspectives.

It's like a massive square-dance, people just keep switching partners, and when everyone has danced with everyone, a few others are dropped into the mix/taken out. Mark-Francis and Victoria are obviously only commentators on this dance.

The only other thing that breaks it up is people exposing their random/sub par talents e.g. speaking foreign languages for no reason, trying to launch or plug their music careers while never appearing in the actual music charts or showcasing some kind of fashion collection to prove that they are employed.

Having gone to an all girls school, their constant warring is NO surprise. However. Louise needs one of those How I Met Your Mother style interventions.....

How Lucy should have handled her business with Louise...

Well. Somebody LIEDDDDDDDDD!

I am one of those only children that likes to go on like I'm little Miss Independent - the Ne-yo version [except without the expensive wardrobe, high paying office job and expensive 18inch weaves]- when really I'm the Miss Self-Sufficient Kelly Clarkson kind [without the comatose house party...or...falling in love....#awks] (for those of you feeling nostalgic, click the links and re-live the videos and lyrics). I ran away to a northern uni, run away to foreign countries as far as I can like say my name is Christopher Columbus....and then I wind up acting like him, stranded, wondering why I came here and half out of my mind.

See, I had thought I was well on my way out of Crisis Period and into adaptation, but no, my emotions decided to make me slide back down the curve. As much as I love my weekend escapades, it comes at a cost. 3 weeks of no family Skype time. Emails and Whatsapp can only go so far. I literally needed some face time, a voice recording, something. Walking to work is long, in more ways than one. It gives me too much time to think, and with my birthday and Christmas coming up (as much as I love them both) it made me realise what I'd be missing:

• No mum & dad time
• No 2 Christmas day  dinners (mum's house and then grandma's, I go to both sides of my family)
• No traditional Caribbean ackee and saltfish,  fried bacon dumplings, calaloo and fried plantain breakfast (which we've been doing since my other grandad was still alive)
• No big present exchange
• No squishy baby cousins
• No frustration/monopoly tournaments
• No goose, no duck
• No rum cake
• No 5am Boxing Day shopping with my friends/aunty
• No disappointing NYE with friends/family

Luckily I kept it together till I made it to the bathroom at school. I just kept thinking about it too much, getting weepy in the staffroom at lunch like fool. Whatsapping my friends and my mum acting like I was about to buy a flight home. But. Regardless of their support of my wanting to come home for Christmas, my parents never raised a quitter. So. I went to the bathroom, had my moment, got me some tissue, pulled it together...

And I went back to work. Like a grown-up :)

I held out, did what I had to do and today, I Skyped my parents, my cousins and aunt and uncle. That's all I needed, to see and hear them, and I guess to let my self feel like poo and admit I missed them for a few days. Luckily my tears had dried by today so I didn't give them cause to worry....and I may have done a little payday retail therapy yesterday to take the edge off....

Anyway, Skyping with my little cousin (16 y.o.) who's just started college gave me the most jokes by far, which was definitely just what the doctor ordered lol.


"Mum, let's do this, spud me!"

*she extends her hand off screen. Teeth are kissed and silence follows...*

"Nah, she never spudded me..."

"You think? You must feel like egg innit?"

*We both crack up for 5 minutes*

"I slyly thought she was gonna spud me for a second, you know, heat of the moment and that..."

*I laugh at her some more*

**********************************************

"You know I'm gonna put you in my blog now..."

"Why? Because I'm (puts on yardie rapper voice) too hot for ya! Too hot for ya! Let me cool ya down!"

*She blows into the camera.....like an eediat.....*

**********************************************


Obviously this is one of those you just had to BE there moments but still, the point stands. I love my family so much! Always giving me jokes without fail!



Moving swiftly on...

Let me tell you about going on a shopping trip in snow and -22.....

If you are not currently a FLA (Foreign Language Assistant) in Canada, or Russia or somewhere with the equivalent level of  cold, you're probably thinking

You're right but still....

I swear, this class is becoming more and more of a suicide mission. Not only is trekking up and downhill in the snow elongating and endangering my journey time, the instructor is going IN with these routines. Not only did she try 2 new routines, she brang out Proud Mary! Now. For anyone who doesn't know the song, go YouTube that Tina Turner hit. The rest of you that know, understand that doing this in the middle of a fitness class was an attempt on all our lives. Not gonna lie, when the tune (pronounced, choon lol) picked up, and the pace with it, it almost took me out. Then is weird thing happened. As much as it was kiiiiilling me, I started to like the feeling.... I'm guessing it was that nirvana moment that makes all these 2013 #EatClean #GymTanLaundry #BeastMode people instagram pictures like:

                           


Should I count this as progress? Thankfully that was last class of the season till January so maybe post NY and new year pay day I'll finally get the guts/energy to sign my life away to GymMax. We'll see.


It is actually long to post about the hi's and lows of our (LBG) 5 minute stop in NY so I'll just inculde the highlights:

• We left at 4am and didn't reach NY till 6pm. (^) - Peak.
• When we got there, we were stuck in the rain trying to get the landlady to let us in. (^^^^^^^^^^^^)
• First outing of the night was Time Square in the rain. It was the opposite of breathtaking.
• Daytime outing included Washington Sq Park and Central Park, Greenwhich Village, Grand Central Station.
• Got jumped over by stunt men/street performers in W Sq Park. Yea.
• Time Square when it's dry is unbelievable (in the good way).
• In my opinion the chapel at Ground Zero is the most important building to survive 9/11. How anyone can go there and not leave touched/inspired/choked up or feeling something profound is beyond me.
• On the way home we got a flat tire. Stranded at the side of the road (^)!
• Had to get tire changed at Sears.
• Kind strangers changed said flat, took us to and waited with us @ Sears then showed us how to get home.
• We left at 12pm, got home at 1am

So. Considering I reached home at 1am, the tone for this week was set. In stone cold concrete.

#SideNote I am SO happy I found a gif of my girl! This is gonna get rinsed!

Working with the new supply teacher (who will be here till mid JANUARY) is fine because she's lovely, but these childrennnnnnn-ah! Their behaviour is just #LongForMan honestly, shouting and screaming is fun, but not effective once the shock value is gone.  The boys are the worst. In grade 5 & 6 when I raise my voice now they totally undermine my high volume authority.

Oooo Miss Monique is maaaaad!

However, in favour of gender equality it's also necessary for me to add - some of these neck-rollin' little quebecois girls are getting on my nerves. I'm trying to give instructions/teach them something and they're just looking at me like:

Who are you though? Where is Miss Renee?

Don't try me! The only reason I haven't sent you out is because you need to stay so you can learn something!

 Seriously. They have English class at the same time, on the same day every week. It will always and for ever be (e.g.) Wednesday, making yesterday Tuesday and tomorrow Thursday. The whole class repeats the date all together time and again. So why, when the sub decides to mix it up and ask individuals are they looking at the calendar like they're trying to blag their way out of a failing eye test?!

^ Me ^

The icing on the cake from this rags to riches week was my first Christmas gift from a student. One of the kids in my bilingual group gave me a handmade crocheted (sp?) Christmas ornament - a red snowflake if you're wondering - courtesy of her grandma. I don't even care. I felt amazing. Ofc on the outside I kept my composure, made some strained awwwing noise and gave my babes a cuddle and then went about my business (after secretly IGing the photo).

Secretly inside: OMD one of my students genuinely likes me!!!

My weekends are so eventful these days - Oh! and blisteringly cold, can't forget that- that my weekdays, particularly les Lundis, just can't compare and become gruelling obstacles between my last great escapade and the next.

Although I gotta admit.

The fact that my epic weekends eat up my Sunday, leaving me no time to plan. And my Thursday night/Friday mornings are a write off, spent sleeping off the week...leading on to no planning being done then either......

I need to get my life in order....

Aaaaand go to bed at a reasonable time, starting now.

Ok. Obviously more explanation is needed. So first I'll do a recap of my week:

The temperatures have dropped. And when I say dropped. I mean dropped. This week we had the first snowfall, a charming calf high blanket that turned my hilly forest walk to a slip n' slide deathtrap climb in the woods. Yes I fell once. That is all.

Had my first taste of -16, followed by -20...never in all my life....have I been this cold! And it's only the beginning! What is my life becoming?! Canadian. That's what.

School has been a nightmare as the English teacher I work with is going off sick for 4/5 weeks so this week was a mad rush of plans, prep and briefings as well as getting ready for CHRISTMAS!!!

Oh sweet, sweet beautiful holy grail of all festive holidays! Birth of the Saviour, cookies, dinners, gift giving, family (waaaaa I miss mine already!), friends, love, peace, joy, SINGINGGGGG!! I could literally go on, forever! And plus - MY BDAY!!!! #Woiii

This is also an exciting development for me as it will be my first joint birthday ever spent without my usual bday twin - my cousin Jacob, born same date, 1 year apart, same time, 1am and 1pm [freaky, right?] - instead it will be with the lovely Leanne, another LBG member in La Chute (google if you wanna know her location) who I also share some funny similarities with at times (namely the day we discovered we were bday twins and craved the same foods at lunch and dinner etc lol). So that'll be fun!

To compensate for my teacher's absence and what I'm feeling might be a worrying lack of Christmas spirit, I'm hoping to transform the classroom into a grotto of joy - this word has taken on new meaning and significance in my life since the 1st of December lol - so fingers crossed all goes well!

To all you grinches out there, you can all just swerve out my way and out my face as I bring the joy!

 ANYWAY.

Supervised a school disco in St. Andre with Joe and Aimee and Dan this weekend. Tbh me and Dan begged for this opportunity because we wanted to get in on all the disco lols we heard about from the last one. I personally wanted to meet/see all of the secondary school kids I've heard so much about and catch some joke -jokes that I'm deprived of in my small-town, primary school assistant life lol, children are so uneventful. They played some very non-child disco tracks too, things that I would have danced to in my 18+ uni freshers days, lots of Pitbull (yes, Culo was played), Ke$ha and other house/pop/club tracks....it was weird seeing a bunch of 8-16 year olds tear up the floor to this. But it made me remember how fun it was to be that age, when you were old enough to likelike the opposite sex but not brave enough to do anything about it, and just danced with your friends in tight groups performing routines. And then there were those mavericks who managed to get a slowdance towards the end of the night - hilarious to see. Another thing that made me feel special was seeing one of my kids there! I know not his name -awkward - but he's not in my bilingual group so I haven't taught him and his class fully yet, but I'd know his face anywhere lol. I can't wait to chaperone [I love that word lol] another one (spying on kids and their party antics is hilarious!).


After that we ventured to Montreal the next day. Not really sure why. But we went lol. We had what me and Joe refer to (or what I call it when I talk to Joe lol) as an ethnic food day. FYI Joe is half Libyan and I'm 2nd/3rd gen. Jamaican so we like to have a little #ethnicpeopleproblems connection time every now and again, and generally discuss race etc. Oh life. But yea, after nothing but regular North American/Canadian/Quebecois food, which is more sugar and fat, rather than spice and flavour based, we had Vietnamese food (SO GOOD) for lunch and Indian for dinner(how I've missed korma so). It was just nice being united with all these aromas and flavours that are so readily available at home, but we're so deprived of here. London, you sweet, multicultural paradise you, for all your problems, you do alright with cultural integration and amalgamation when it comes to food.

We did do a fair bit of thrift shopping - the best pastime when in search of winter necessities! - and I left with a grandad cardigan and a bow tie I am convinced was calling my name. Now to create an occasion and outfit to wear it with/for.

The Spanish bookshop was another happy discovery, got to shake the dust of my espanglish and bought some holiday turrón! Just, chocolate/caramel/almond/hazelnut/buttery goodness really! Gotta try not to polish of my minis goody bag!




We went to Jean-Drapeau park and froze our toes off to get a riverside view of the city and snow. And went on walks all over. Walking up some steps towards a monument/in search of a bus stop. 3 guys dotted around in winter jackets start going:

Got that weed n****


[I'm not even gonna deal with this again, I was ready to blacklist Monty with QC right then and there, seriously, why are the big cities with actual diversity to their names the ones that wear racism on their sleeves?]. Obviously I thought, must have walked in on some kind of private joke between the three of them. Nope. Weed n****. Weed. Coke. Cocaine. Crack cocaine.





So yeah. That was Montreal. Today was spent at a Christmas market in La Chute where I ended up buying more for me than for family and friends - my excuse is that they're not really arts/crafts/herbal/natural/organic/preserves produce kinds of people. In the end I bought:

• Baklava (another #EthnicFoodDay hit from a previous trip to an Afghan restaurant)
• Cinnamon honey (this winter sickness needs to fall back, so Ima fight with tea!)
• Lamb sausages (the free samples convinced meeee)

So, things are going a bit backwards and forwards in school. I'm making progress but sometimes there are just setbacks. Lets review:

I felt my London-ness shrivel up and die a little this past week, not gonna lie. Who would have thought 5 days outside of my little Buckingham would have been such a roller coaster?

Not me dammit.

So. What happened you ask? Let me give you 4 words.

1. Waterfall 
2. Training 
3. Lumberjack-shack 
4. Rudolph 

(oh that last one is a doozie)




Alright, lets talk training:

All the assistants in the land - Canadians, Mexicans, English and Chinese - gathered for an all expenses paid hotel stay #winning in QC for 3 to basically discuss how we've survived this long in our primary/secondary school/university/adult education classes. We shared problems, solutions, stories, drank (and stole saved for later) free tea/coffee/juice like grown-ups in our separate meetings.

We were then be pumped full of all the teaching knowledge of the past few decades courtesy of Jacqueline a.k.a the good Christian female version of Yoda.

She's a brilliant teacher but nan runs through her veins so hard. Every story linked to an anecdote about one of her students - #SideNote the woman has skills because the way her students have grown up to be mechanics, engineers and doctors... - or one of her adopted children (boy - Cambodia, girl - Vietnam), or her grandchildren and how they learnt to speak, in English or in French.

She was so cute! ^^ Something straight out of the fifties. Taught us how to do 'ballin the jack', a cute little dance from the fifties! I wish I could have taught her to migraine skank or something, the woman put energy into her moves man!

If you wish to make my dreams come true press play on these two videos (dance vid on mute) and match the music with the dance to see how I would do 'ballin the jack' in my world - yes, I have nothing better to do than find things like this loool.



Then came the lumberjack-shack experience....

Basically this was the equivalent of a uni social, we all had to dress up as lumberjacks - lots of plaid... - and go to a sugar shack (the cabin in the woods where they collect sap from maple trees and make sugar/syrup/candy etc). We learnt how they make it - I remember nothing - and then allllllll had a big old meal. By meal I mean : baked beans, boiled potatoes, scrambled eggs (that's right), homemade meat pie, slices of ham, pancakes and bread...yeah.....can't lie, for the meal part my face was caught between:




Entertainment consisted of the accordion playing equivalent of Pavarotti, playing his greatest hits including popular renditions of the 'Chicken Song', the 'Macarena' and 'YMCA'..........

And for the cabaret show, some of the English, Mexicans, Germans and Canadians (some in mixed batches) prepared talent acts to show us. The Germans pretty much slaughtered everybody with an amazing performance of the cup song, but the Brits + 1 Mex + 1 Canadian did an excellent improv of comedy and drama. On the musical side of things there was an acoustic rendition of 'Blurred Lines', songs from all the Canadian provinces, guitar solos, a band playing an Irish jig - yes there was jigging, Mexican singing and salsa etc. It was interesting for me, my version of  a party usually involves a dark room, pounding bass line and veeeeery different dancing but it was actually fun for the most part.


After our 3 day non-getaway the LBG decided to hit Montreal on the way home. But before leaving QC we went to visit the Montmorrency waterfall. A very unwise decision ensued.

We took photos from a loooovely distance....saw a rainbow....obviously we chased it and ended up way too close to the falls. And then we thought, well, lets go up the stairs and go as close as humanly possible.

#SideNote

• It was so cold our fingers (which had no gloves to their name) were burning.
• We had no umbrellas.
• We did not realise that waterfalls, are wet.

Ok so, before we get into it, Ima write myself a mini 'to do list' of all the things I have to blog about. This week and last week were just flippin draining so I haven't had any real energy to blog so I'll catch y'all up now ^^

1. Do I even remember last week
2. Thanksgiving madness
3. Coconuts
4. Shopping out of control
5. Carrie
6. Pumpkin pie changed my life