Chronically Awkward

Thursday 10 November 2016

.....and Let All the Nations Sip Tea

Welp.

Nothing like a sick day and the most major political plot twist since Obama himself was actually elected president and we all saw it with our own eyes. [insert pause for irony]. To make me get back at it.

I know after my last couple of posts, my intention, and probably what some may have imagined, was to be living like this:

Creative Juice just leaking all out the pores and what not.

But, for most people [me] who can't just Ernest Hemmingway-it and run off to Cuba [me, why not me, Lord!] to seek inspiration against a beautiful paisaje and Great Gatsby through life as they write, it's a little less of a motivating experience. Regular, mediocre, British dry, grey, wet, oxymoronic life happens, and goes on as usual. So, inevitably, I got a new phone. Same number, same messages, same social media and same Whatsapps. So my life was consumed by the "smaller screen" once again.

And it's just been hard to get the dust off! I mean, writing is time consuming (who knew!), I need a whole day just to myself to reorganise my life, then another to sit down and write - but who even has those these days? Only everybody who cares enough about their passions I guess. Oh! and those who find a way to make a living from it - which includes me as that is the freelance dream for the not too distant future....

But I gotta say, this election is one heck of a coffee to wake up & smell. And this sick day is a blessing so I can actually put my [insert other valuable currency as its not payday yet] where my mouth is and write something.

So keyboard, thou hast been warned, prepare to catch. these. fiery. hands.

If you don't know, you betta ask my touch screen about these thumbs!

Politics

Sadly/Generally, this highly crucial topic tends to just go right over my head. The whole Theresa May explosion never hit me, the dust just settled near me. I just don't have a head for it [yes, I know I should] so I try my best to study up when I get to use my vote. Politics for dummies and layman's terms all the way but I study. Case & point EU referendum - side note of shade, thank you Britain and all you morning after voters hoping your one night stand rebellion at the poles was a good idea. Chew on that regret babes, chew on it for however many years this nonsense might last.

As you can see, if there's any hint of the World Stage surrounding a political event, like leaving the EU, the first black President, non-white Mayor of London etc. I do my best to be involved. Also, I'm open to be educated. So here goes (as I prepare to join millions of bloggers posting about this election). My understanding of what happened....

After all the #ImWithHer effort, endorsement and social media flooding, the "sure win" candidate lost.

Hilary watching Donald win the real People's Choice Award.

All those figuring "if we can have and ethnic minority/bi-racial/multi-cultural president, then it's finally time for us to have a woman too" are devastated.

Women, minorities & younger generations watching Trump's acceptance speech like.

For those of you that speak Disney, it's basically facing what life would have been like if Ariel never stopped the wedding. For many, America is now married to Evil. No option for annulment.

The spell of choice in that juju shell necklace? media, middle/upper class supporters, who knows?

People around the world: WE HATE YOU DONALD!

Donald Trump:

"I still won though, so...."

So now, everybody on the ground is just watching, waiting, planning and plotting. The reality of Trump's America boutta take shape and everyone's got to figure out what life within that is gonna be like.

Rest assured America, whatever contracts/BFF secret vows you have with us over here in Britain, we will be watching. These gatherings of world leaders are about to get real interesting.

On a serious note though, as daunting as this reality may seem, it has had a highly significant (not sure if positive is the right word) impact on everybody. People are talking, and mobilising - but they're doing it smart! All across the media - not social, all the celebrities are just posting crying pictures after seeing their sphere of influence fall flat, unable to fill the gap and make people like Hilary (I didn't realise it was that deep!). I digress, all across the media, news anchors, talk shows, radio shows etc are using their platforms to discuss navigating this way of life. Through community, solidarity, organisation, preparation & education. I'm here for it, and I hope it works out, I really do. It's always better to rise up out of despair than settle for and anticipate defeat.

Also. The debates have been going OFF all over my news feeds! And I love it! One thing's for sure if you press something enough, juice will come out, and people are showing their true selves all over the place. I know a whole bunch of you socio-politially minded individuals where just waiting, for people who have been on your questionable posts/tweets/status/snaps watch lists to come out and say what they really think.

And now you might find yourself looking at people, and your un-follow button, a little differently.

Clearly, people got what they wished for. For me, this is almost better than TV, that drama is fake, this is real people & real life, not a reality show we are off script now boo! All you humanities and sciences students ho had no idea what your next essay, presentation, dissertation was gonna be on, you're welcome. The effects of social media, the Ellen show, celebrity endorsements, feminism, misogyny, racism, sexism, the justice system, ethnic diaspora, community, access to voting, legislation, population, class, you name it. It all played out in front of you, your research is every news item & talk show over the past 6 months, you can even try to forecast the next 4 years. Congrats on that 2:1 babes.

All in all, [perceived] villains are a part of life. And they sometimes rise to power. I highly doubt America will need to go through a revival of the French revolution x3 to get through this. We gotta have more faith than that. Actions speak louder than words so let the final say of the vote be what it will be.

I believe God can do anything at the end of the day which is more than throwing a complimentary Phaedra Parks "fix it Jesus" on the situation. I have faith in the American people I see in all these inspiring videos of schools, campuses, places of work, communities etc to really get things moving and make sure they're part of the process shaping the nation over these next four years, rather than cry that they couldn't stop it. And when elections come around again, they'll be ready. 2020 bout to be L-I-T.

Minor Life Update:

All London logic and reason upon deciding to live & work in Manchester:

Me:

*getting it together & building a life by fire by force since August 2015*

So that's it! I made it through another blog post! Thank you for reading through the opinions of someone with a laughable grasp of politics, but hey, at least I tried to pay attention & get involved in the discussion. Thank you & goodnight!

me & my two faithful readers

Writing Read more

Sunday 3 July 2016

Unknown 22:17 0

5 seconds of real world vs 5 mins of my (ongoing) phone-less experience

But I'm not trying to hear it
unless it gets overturned ASAP.

I try not to involve myself in politics seeing as most of it goes over my head. It's not a strength of mine and I lack understanding in almost all areas. I could not tell you the last time I'd watched the news. Terrible I know but idc I love who I am lol. I did know enough - read care enough - to vote in the EU referendum. Fat lot of good that did. Hence why I didn't care enough to blog about it, now everyone is waking up to smell the coffee/regret/restricted travel/rampant racism etc.

Meanwhile. My phone got stolen this month. I've been in even less contact with people than usual. Everybody keeps asking when I'm gonna get a new phone/temporary phone/how am I surviving (my phone was literally the counterpart to the palm of my hand).

And I’ve just been here like….

However. Don’t speak to anyone who was with me on that day, because I was highly unpleasant. I was mad vex, snappy and rude and all types of fasty. Like, I did not even try to act right. Anyone who asked me if I'd found it yet, digging around the cinema (shout out to AMC Deansgate and all the thievery going on in the dark), and clearly didn't register my facial expressions, got cut. I'm an only child, and it takes a lot to really bring out the inconsolable brat. But that about did it right there.

The only major inconvenience so far - for me obviously, not all the people struggling to contact me (I'm terrible as it is with a phone, so know it's not personal, so please family let's not be all up in our feelings I still love everyone) - has been having to depend on and communicate via others. Oh,and having to spend £3.50 on an alarm clock. I've had to return to the dark ages of facebook messenger on a laptop, email- and actually having to manually check and delete them. It's been just over 3 weeks now, and I'm not dead guys.

Things I don’t miss, in no particular order:

Waking up to hundreds, yes over a hundred messages on whatsapp.

When I never even participated in the conversation(s).

Midnight phone vibrations asking me to do things....

Yet not waking up for a single one of my million alarms, because I'm selectively responsible like that.

Thumb scrolling through Instagram and FB at every minute of every day just so I can pree.

Feeling the pressure to take some kind of passable selfie for snapchat or insta to document the fact that on some days I am put together and can actually look cute (to combat my at times, otherwise highly debatable self presentation....) with apparently minimal effort.

Always having to run for my charger.

Constantly running out of data and being wifi dependent. No more music streaming on the way to work.

Forcing myself to listen to endless voicemails that are probably very important but I’ve already missed the call so I’m over it…

Whatsapp exposing messages I’ve seen but not been able to/forgot to/don't want to/haven't bothered to reply to.

Seeing that I never have memory but everything on my phone is important so I can't delete it. Shoutout to apple who would rather make me pay for that option than make a phone that can handle apps & photos.

Being part of tea spilling parties. It's fun to be in the know and all but wonderfully freeing not to have a clue what is going on with who. The only thing in my cup these days is Lady Grey, and she is not shady.

Holding an iPhone six and feeling bad about myself when I pick back up my chunky, busted old iphone 5 which may as well be a brick phone – thanks Apple design team.

So, until further notice I am out of the office and cannot be reached via call or text. Please contact me via FB, email, social events, mutual friends and prayer.

I’m ~~still~~ out here, phoneless and loving it.

Voted Remain Read more

Monday 16 May 2016

Unknown 23:32 0

For The Homie Gillian

This blog goes out to Gill, my JSA adviser this year (shout out to the Eccles Job Centre!). On my first visit we sat down and spoke about our hobbies and dreams and how regardless of the mundane job we might end up in, we would still follow our passions. Both of us love to travel and write, and after catching up with her (and barely paying attention to the paperwork we were filling in), I promised her I would start blogging again. I even gave her my blogsite.

So Gill this one is for you!

No More Excuses Not to Blog

I've finally got home internet access, got my laptop fixed and have scheduled days off each week. So I can't put off blogging any longer really. I'm sure you've all been on the edge of your seats waiting for the latest updates on the riveting saga that is my life. Since I finished Uni almost a year ago now (yikes!) I'm sure you all want to hear about my corporate office exploits in my new job as I relentlessly achieve all of my career goals and climb the ladder to success.

Come again?

Or. For those of you that were paying attention. You're still asking yourself....did he just say, Job Centre? How could that possibly be true? I mean, everyone knows you graduate in a flurry of final exams and intern-ship applications in the desperate hope of being pulled into some sort of corporate scheme, recruitment position or other basic high paid office job. Or in true languages student fashion jump on a plane to go and teach English somewhere or join a foreign company on the other side of the world...

On behalf of all graduates, may I say:

So that begs the question...

What Have I Been Doing All This Time?

If anyone was to tell me back when I was in second year of uni that after I graduated I'd spend the next 6 months of my life living in Manchester as an unemployed graduate I'd have looked at them like:

With any one of the following defences:

Wait, what?
Excuse me?
Do you not KNOW me?
Do you know what grades I'm likely to graduate with?
I plan to go to [insert country] and [insert another country] and do [insert 2-3 career options] so that can't be right!

But sadly, as many of us can tell you (and how many graduates had to tell me), that just ain't how post-uni life works out. I fell into the typical trap, knowing myself a little better - but not fully. And knowing exactly what I don't want to do with the rest of my life. Absolutely nothing fell nicely into place. But luckily for me, I have an excellent support network at home in London (my fambam) and in Manchester (my VO church fam). So I still ended up with a roof over my head (thanks to a wonderful family and some dear friends), a room of my own and a full fridge (most of the time, big up mummy & daddy!). As you can imagine. 6 months of unemployment was spent in the most productive way possible. Keeping active, painstakingly crafting cover letters, CVs and application forms...you know the usual.

I won't say how often this ended up being me....or for how long....if you know, you know.

I went down the obvious routes of soul searching and self evaluation, coming up with squat most of the time, in the initial stages at least. But thank God for prayer, that kept me sane and helped me find my way. First - accepting that I was going to stay in Manchester, and second that I would throw myself into all my voluntary and extracurriculars, working or not. Spoiler Alert I do end up employed and standing on my own two feet at the end of the story fear not. Which brings me to:

What I'm Doing This Year

Volunteer work wise I'm a part-time ESOL and 1 to 1 teacher offering English language support at a community school. Basically I'm using the teaching skills I got via my languages degree to teach English to non-natives and my phonetics etc understanding to offer dyslexia/literacy support. Plot Twist this time its not babies, children, teens or students, its adults- specifically parents, more so mothers. And their babies. So its interesting and rewarding as you would expect. So long as I'm teaching and helping people and there's cultural exchange I'm calm really.

I've also gotten more involved as a Youth Leader via Church. It was never something I realised I wanted or actively pursued, considering I started a year or so ago, until now. The closer I got to finishing my degree the more I made myself available to work with young girls (now from ages 11 up to 16) and just build relationships with them. Tbh after my year abroad placements I wasn't even trying to hear about working with young people again. All them hormones, cliques, identity crises and tantrums. No gracias. Makes me remember why I never what to be a teenager again (hormones lowkey send you crazy, scramble your moral compass and chemically imbalance you, sabotaging all emotions and rational thought). But here I am again. And I slyly love it, and I love my girls, and the team I work with.

Ya girl also got herself a job. As a waitress. In a Spanish restaurant. In the bougie part of Manchester central. Obviously this is not the life goal, by no means the end game. But after 6 months of no Spanish I'm practising everyday and have wound up in a 60% Spanish speaking environment so I practise everyday. Linguistically, I'm in my happy place. The staff I work with speak English, Spanish, Portuguese, Polish and French, and I'm down to learn as much as I can. Another bonus, with the hours I'm doing I can still do my ESOL/Literacy Support work and my youth work, and just about have a life. For anyone still not satisfied with that I'm also on another voluntary scheme that should open up some doors for me...but I'm keeping it on the DL until I complete it.

So lets all just celebrate the comeback from the gif reality of my life a couple months ago shall we?

So, Where Is Miss Independent Living Now?

At the end of March this year, after finally starting to get myself together, I was able to move out and become queen of my own castle! Kind of. Well, there are a few more queens in this castle as I moved in with friends. I haven't lived in an all girl house in a while but hey, I know and love them all, and so long as you live in a like-minded house its all gravy. Added bonus: it's an all Caribbean house so you know its LIT! I haven't been able to have Saturday [read Sat-deh] soup, fried dumplin, ackee, jerk, rice and peas cooked all under one roof since moving out of my parents' house. Our seasoning cupboard alone is goals. That was relegated to one box in the back of my cupboards in most of the other places I've lived. What's more we all share mutual friends, go to the same church,have similar extracurricular commitments and are down to go and hang out together. Translation = it ain't hard to get the squad into formation when we find a motive.

But don't get it twisted. We, well mostly me, are still adjusting to life without a safety net [read student finance/mum&dad]. All this adulting business is awful really. My first paycheck I could have cried. I was so happy I couldn't believe I'd earned that much on my own, only to see it disappear within a week and then have 3 weeks left to rub my precious pennies together. Like I said, I could have cried. Don't forget though, I said I have a great support network so we're taken care of in some aspects. The rest, well we're just working it out, while our bank accounts adjust to the strain of real live living (when you want to travel, drop dollar in Zara/Mango/DorothyP, learn to drive, shop at Waitrose and not Aldi - all while opting out of paying council tax or water bills).

All in all I'm glad I'm supporting myself and doing life with other people. My room is small, all bed and wardrobe and all mine. I officially work for and own a part of something. And I don't take such a huge blessing lightly. I could have gone home and taken the easy way out. But I'm out here building (albeit with an unknown plan) a life. A life I love. So I'm doing better than I. and maybe some others, expected.

What Am I Committing To?

Writing.

A while back I posted this:

Biggest goal this year - write, and never stop.

A photo posted by MónicaMarshánna (@marshanna2212) on Jan 15, 2016 at 2:32pm PST

17 likes, which with my followers numbers means that like, my entire social world has seen this, ha. So I'm now in a binding agreement with social media to fulfil this commitment. Hence this post. Moral of the story - don't sweat not knowing what you want to do with your life, having to start over, and never let your passions die. And never fear, yours truly is still destined for greatness and all that. I'm sure I'm not the first late bloomer with a Masters (cringe), so I'll end up where I need to be. All in all I just want to be my happy. I just want to sing, travel, speak languages, eat food and write.